Sunday; The Nothing Monster.
We’ll begin with a shadow of mine.
I don’t sleep very much. This makes me neither a morning nor a night person, since all I do is avoid sleep. It entails letting go, and that is my worst skill of all the skills I possess. I think too much. That is my curse.
Sleep’s prologue is many minutes and hours of darkness in which I am completely alone with my thoughts. Combined with the factor mentioned above, sleep doesn’t bring much happiness to me. I think too much and sleep too little.
When I was younger I lied so much to others and myself that there are moments of my younger life that I doubt the authenticity of. The monster started then.
It didn’t do much. Just sat in my heart, most days, feeding off my lies. Those days are long gone, and it’s grown a rather startling amount.
I have a tendency to switch off emotions when it gets too difficult. It wasn’t ever a problem when in high school because my chances of happiness were rather low due to various different circumstances and reasons, but it grew even after I stopped the lying. Instead, it fed on my nothingness.
It wasn’t numbness or shock. Just simply nothing. It responded to my acceptance of it with a string of words that formed sentences that didn’t do very much as singular words, but with the power in numbers and crushing weight of each connotation I let it slowly take over me. It wasn’t pleasant.
It never took too much for me to sink back inside myself and let it take over. I’m trying my hardest to never go back there again.
Going backwards in any kind of way is terrifying for me.
Unexpected backward journeys are the worst. Inevitable ones are even more frightening.
I’ve not drawn much today, but I’m in a soft mood. My, How You’ve Grown was drawn two days ago, during a bout of quiet panicking. I learnt that day that I must, when doing private illustrations, draw to suit my mood. Otherwise it ends in frustration, and that’s never satisfying. Today I learnt that no matter how strange a friendship is begun, it begun with a purpose and it might take years for me to learn what that purpose is. It has been a good day of food and drink and being merry and unproductive.
Nevertheless, I’m back at uni tomorrow for exhibition work.
I bid you a good day, kind stranger, Annie.